Need God? R U Ready??? Yikes…

Okay, by now it should be no surprise to anyone who reads my blog or follows me on Twitter that I am an atheist. Now I don’t begrudge anyone else their religious beliefs. I think it’s up to every individual to make that choice for themselves, and if they want to worship, then that’s fine with me. Live and let live I say. But, some other people just don’t like to live by that motto. The very fact that I am an atheist predetermines that I will burn in hell for all eternity. Um, thanks. Anyway, the easily offended by religious ranting may want to stop reading right here, for the brave heathens amongst you, soldier on.

Anyway, yesterday I was driving to have some cigars and play some poker when I pulled up behind a van. This was emblazoned on the back window:

Judgment Day

R U Ready?

Well crap, I realized that I’m actually NOT ready for Judgement Day. I haven’t packed or anything! So I decided to head to and see if they could help me out. Well thankfully they had a quick 8-Question Test to help me do the following:

This test is designed to answer 2 questions:
Are you a good person according to God’s standards?
And if so, are you good enough to go to heaven?

Wow, am I good ENOUGH to make it to Heaven? Well shit, I decided to take the test and see. Well here were some of the results:

The Ninth of the Ten Commandments is “You shall not lie.” Telling just one lie, according to God’s standards, makes you a “liar.” In Revelation 21:8, God says, “…all liars, shall have their part in the lake of fire…”

Wow, I HAVE told some lies in my day, and I guess that means I’ll get to take a dip in the pool at the Helliday Inn.

The Seventh of the Ten Commandments is “You shall not commit adultery.” If you’ve ever looked at another person with lustful thoughts, according to God’s standards, that makes you an “adulterer.” Jesus said, “You have heard it said, You shall not commit adultery: But I say to you, that whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) In 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, God says that no adulterers “…shall inherit the kingdom of God.”

Well I wasn’t the favorite son anyway, so I already figured I wasn’t in the Will. And really, who wants to be part of a Kingdom? That’s why we broke away from England right? Anyway, if all it takes is to look upon a woman with lust to make me an adulterer I am so screwed. I can’t get through the nightly news without fantasizing about nailing the Sportscaster girl. If this is really adultery, I’ve committed it nearly one million bajillion times. Ooops, make that one million bajillion and one, I just saw the Padma Lakshmi Hardee’s Ad.

The Third of the Ten Commandments is “You shall not take the name of the Lord in vain.” If you’ve every used the name “God,” “Jesus,” or “Christ” as a curse word, what you’ve done is take the name of the God who gave you life, and you’ve used it as if it were a “four-letter” filth word to express disgust. That offense is called “blasphemy,” and according to God’s standards, you are a “blasphemer.” In Leviticus 24:16 , God says, “he that blasphemes the name of the LORD, shall surely be put to death…”

OMG I am so fucked. Did you see? They are going all Tupac and Biggie on me and are going to put me to death! This isn’t a couple of Hail Mary’s, they are GOING TO FUCKING KILL ME. Jesus Christ, this Leviticus guy sounds like a real douche nozzle, isn’t he the guy who doesn’t like gay people either? Fuck him.

The First of the Ten Commandments is “You shall have no other gods before me.” That means that we should love God with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength. The Bible tells us that no one has kept this commandment (see Psalm 14:2-3) — if you said you had, you have also broken the 9th Commandment by lying.

AHA! The Bible’s trick question! If you said you had followed the commandment, then you are lying and get to take a dip in the lake of fire. If you say you didn’t, well then you broke a Commandment, but the Bible says everyone breaks this commandment anyway. If that’s the case, it’s not a Commandment, it’s more of a suggestion that gets ignored…

It then goes on to ask if I think I’m guilty or innocent in the eyes of God and of course I say Guilty because well, I just watched a woman lick an ice cream cone, and well… you know. Anyway, that’s okay because I don’t believe there is a Hell. Hrm, looks like they’ve thought of that too:

Perhaps you feel safe because you don’t believe in Hell. This can be likened to standing in the middle of a busy highway and shouting, “I don’t believe in trucks!” Your belief or disbelief in trucks will not change reality.

Um NO, I can actually TOUCH a fucking truck. I can buy one, drive one and even commit adultery in one if I so desire. We’ve seen no evidence of God for what? A couple thousand years? The logic on this one just absolutely baffles me…

Now here’s the thing. I REALLY TRULY don’t care how any of you live your religious lives. It’s up to you, and if your faith brings you comfort and optimism in this bleak world, then I think it’s a wonderful for you. It’s just that people like the ones behind condemn everyone who doesn’t believe exactly as they do. They say that their God is an all-loving and forgiving God in one breath and in the next tell me that I will be put to death and swim in a lake of fire.

Just seems so counter-intuitive to me.