The Divine Mashed Potato Penis
Apparently I’m in the mood to piss people off today. You see, El Reg is reporting that the face of Jesus appeared in a tree in Sussex. Okay. A tree. Jesus’ face. Uh huh.
Add this sighting to the vision of the Virgin Mary on an underpass in Chicago (which looked more like a giant vagina than the Virgin Mary) and the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich.
People in Chicago fucked up traffic for a week flocking to a simple salt stain on the underpass that happened to look like artist renderings of the Virgin. Devout people.
Now here’s the thing. No one REALLY knows what the Virgin or the Savior looked like. There are no pictures… we just have artist renderings. Some might argue that the Shroud of Turin proves what He looks like, but science disagrees. Anyway, people are flocking to something that looks like artist renderings… It’s idiotic.
First, don’t you think that if some divine entity wanted to give us a sign, it would be bigger than a fucking grilled cheese sandwich? You think the Virgin Mary would show up in something other than in a salt stain? It’s ludicrous to imagine that these are divine signs in any way, shape or form.
Yesterday I saw the likeness of my penis in some mashed potatoes. I didn’t put it there, but damnit, I KNOW it was mine, and it JUST APPEARED. It’s the Divine Mashed Potato Penis. I would let you see It, and be blessed by It’s majesty, but unfortunately I was really fucking hungry.
It went really well with my meatloaf with the likeness of the 12 apostles in it…
August 18, 2005 @ 2:29 pm
Please, please, please tell me that you at least changed the shape of the potatoes before eating it (maybe to a nice set of c-cups). It would be very disturbing to know that some guy ate his own mashed potato penis. 😉
August 18, 2005 @ 3:19 pm
ROFLMAO!! Just don’t start a food fight, ok?
August 18, 2005 @ 3:19 pm
I was compelled!!! I know that it’s somehow a divine auto-homo-erotic-mastabatory-cannibalistic thing, but I felt blessed. And trust me, it was a LOT of mashed potatoes!
You don’t wanna know about the gravy…
August 18, 2005 @ 3:21 pm
No food fights here! Although I know you always carry your towel, so you’re prepared for anything… LOL
-Grey
August 18, 2005 @ 4:18 pm
Well, I guess if it was devine then it’s ok. Or do you mean Devine and you’re actually filming an homage to early John Waters films (or a twisted version of the potato sculpting scene in Close Encounters of the Third Kind)? Either way, you heading toward an official designation of “Sick Puppy”. Must be why I like reading your blog so much.
Signed:
David Bockes
2nd Degree Sick Puppy (though not quite willing to indulge in potato penis, devine or otherwise)
🙂
August 18, 2005 @ 8:10 pm
Sweet, I’m an official SICK PUPPY!!! Woo Hoo!
As for Devine, she/it scares the hell outta me, so I guess I’ll stick to my own appendage on this one… heh.
And David, the “Must by why I like reading your blog so much” made my day man. Thanks. I’m truly glad you dig it!
Take Care,
Grey
August 19, 2005 @ 10:36 am
ROTFLMAO indeed
funniest thing i have read in a LONG time
i may have just snorted something that wasn’t liquid, i’m not sure.
August 19, 2005 @ 9:41 pm
Must have been a SMALL serving of mashed potatoes.
August 22, 2005 @ 2:48 pm
I don’t think I’m ever going to eat mashed potatoes again!
Unless of course a voice from a burning bush tells me to do it
August 22, 2005 @ 4:15 pm
That’s why I really like you Kevin. I know you are spiritual, but you have a sense of humor and you force nothing on anyone. If only everyone was like that, it would be a nicer place!
The burning bush thing was hilarious BTW
-Grey
August 26, 2005 @ 11:35 am
@Kevin – if you do encounter a burning bush, please resist the urge to try to talk to it (unless it talks to you first, of course), and simply douse it with water. Your neighbors will thank you.
@Grey – mashed potatoes? are you sure they weren’t green beans? Seems more…proportional
This was funny as hell – good on ya.
Rock