Revenge of the Sith Annoyances (contains spoilers)

Well in order to actually keep my geek cred, I had to see Revenge of the Sith on opening night. I wasn’t geeky enough to see it at 12:01 AM, but I think opening night was good enough. The following details include a lot of spoilers, so if you haven’t seen it yet and don’t want to know certain things that happen, please refrain from reading this until you’ve had a chance to experience it for yourself.

First off, I’m joined by Groda. He’s Yoda’s and my step brother. A Greyhawk/Yoda hybrid if you will.

GRODA: My own man I am, Groda’s jock Yoda cannot hold.

Be nice Groda, thanks for joining me.

GRODA: Yours all the pleasure is.

Anyway, I’ll start by saying that this is one of the better Star Wars movies. It’s not quite the best of all time as some are saying, but it’s definitely better than Phantom Menace, Clone Wars and Jedi.

GRODA: Vile creatures, ewoks they are.

Couldn’t have said it better. Anyway, Empire is still the best, and I might even have to put the original Star Wars above this as well. Mainly because it was so groundbreaking. There was nothing new in Sith, just a lot of action and stuff to tie all the movies together. The action was good, but since you knew where the story was going, there weren’t many A-HA moments.

The first thing I want to address is the amount of children at the movie. I went to an 8:30 PM showing that would let out around 11 PM. Even with that, I would say a full 20% of our audience was 5 years old or under. I am in NO WAY exaggerating here. Now, this was a PG-13 film, and a very dark one. In addition to the copious amounts of standard death and dismemberment, there were some scary creatures as well. Not to mention the burning torso of Anakin after he was defeated by Obi-Wan. Here he was, three limbs hacked off, burning on the lava planet.

They showed this in pretty gory detail, especially when they were re-constructing him as Darth Vader. AND, at one point, Anakin has to kill all of the Jedi children. Lucas knew that little kids would be seeing this, so he called them “younglings” instead of “children.” Hopefully that would keep a 2 year old from realizing that what Anakin was doing was slaughtering their playgroups.

GRODA: Parents slaughtered should be, bring they very young children.

Oh I agree Groda. Somehow I have a feeling that many of the people there allowing their 3 year old to watch Vader kill everyone were the same people outraged by a Janet Jackson nipple. You can see nipples in a PG-13 movie, so that should be okay too, but I digress. I think that many people there that grew up on Star Wars had this illusion that they needed to share this experience with their kids, no matter how young they were. I might be able to handle an 8 year old or older going. But younger than that really needs to stay at home.

The movie itself, was pretty decent, but some of the plot didnt seem to make sense. For example, early on, Anakin defeats Count Dooku rather easily.

GRODA: Dooku, a pussy was.

Well, in this movie yeah, but he was supposed to be a Sith Lord, I thought he could have put up a much better fight. Now, if they wanted to show him defeated easily to prove how advanced Anakin was, that’s another story, but throughout the movie, Anakin didn’t seem THAT advanced. They really should have had him doing extraordinarily amazing things. But, he seemed about on the level as Obi-Wan or Mace Windu. Oh well.

Another thing that sucked was the acting between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen. They have ZERO chemistry. I thought it was more likely that Luke and Leia would end up in an incestous relationship than it would be for these two to hook up.

GRODA: Natalie Portman, mmmmm, lick her I would.

Don’t get me wrong Grod my man. So would I, she’s quite beautiful even when Danish adorns the sides of her head. But it was still pretty horrible acting, from who I consider to be a very good actor (see Garden State.)

GRODA: Zach Braff, wonderous he is.

Um, yeah. Anyway. The other scene that sucked was when she was giving birth. For a couple of reasons. First off, the tools seemed pretty primitive. She was covered by what can only be called a “vagina hanger” and she seemed in major pain. This was opposite scenes of them giving Darth Vader all new limbs. She’s screaming and all I can think is “Hmmmm… they can pretty much reconstruct Vader, but they cannot give her a fucking epidural?” And then, as the babies are born, she says a single word about each: “Luke” and “Leia.” Ooooh, moving. This was of course right before her death.

This was all explained by a medical droid by saying “She is in perfect health, but we are losing her. She has lost the will to live.” Yeah, you can’t go on living FOR YOUR TWO KIDS? Awww, screw them. Anakin is evil, I must die. Boo fucking hoo.

GRODA: Those actions seem grievous.

Excellent segue Mr. Groda. Admiral Grievous was head of the droid separatist army and a major villian. He had some human organs, so he was more of a cyborg than a standard droid. To prove that point, he had a nasty smokers cough. I half expected him to brandish a cigar along with his light sabers… It was all good though as soon as he went into four armed light saber wielding. And when he ran away, his motions were amazing. I agree with Rocky, we needed more of Grievous.

GRODA: Grievous, a good toy will make.

Well that’s definitely true. When I was a kid, I had TONS of Star Wars toys. An X-Wing, a Tie Fighter, a land speeder, all of the characters, so the merchandising is a curious aspect to me. Pretty much the whole movie I spent thinking “Man, that’ll be cool toy” and “I wonder if they put this is specifically to sell to kids.” There’s no doubt that some of the stuff was only thrown in for sales to children, but I guess I can’t blame him. I’m just looking forward to the “Reconstruct Vader from Anakin’s Charred Remains” playset. That shall rock.

The last thing that bugged me is that they introduced Chewbacca in a kind of hamfisted way. The Wookies help get Yoda to safety when the Clones are instructed to attack him. And when he leaves the planet, it’s Chewbacca and his dad, the king of the wookies, grunting goodbye to Yoda…

GRODA: Good band name, that.

Yeah, Grunting Goodbye to Yoda would rock as a band name. Anyway, If his Dad was king, that would make Chewbacca next in line to the Wookie throne. So why they hell is he simply a co-pilot to a dubious smuggler such as Han Solo? He’s nobility, he’s pure and good. Now he’s the sidekick to the man who shot first? And YES Han did shoot Greedo first, despite Lucas’ attempts at revisionist history.

GRODA: Chewbacca, a habit had. From hookers and cocaine he could not part ways.

Ahhhh, that explains it. Chewy was a coked-up junkie who liked prostitutes. Okay, it all makes sense now.

GRODA: Glad to help I am.

Well, when I came out of the movie, the wife and I were trading lines, sounding like all of the characters, and my wife decided that Vader just wouldn’t have been as cool in Empire if he said:

JEN: (in best Vader voice) Luke, I am your uncle by marriage…

GRODA: Funny that was, Groda nearly himself did piss.

Well I’m glad you got a kick out of it Groda, and I’m glad you could join me. But alas, it is time to wrap up this review, and wrap up my childhood. Star Wars is over. It sure seems like a chapter closing. I think I’m with Wil Wheaton though, I’m looking forward to some new ideas to shape the next generation. Until then:

May the force be with you.

GRODA: And also with you…